It was 6:01 am and I had barely gotten any sleep.
As I was still holding on to the last few minutes before I had to get up, I heard it…my 4 year old daughter screamed at her 6 year old brother at the top of her lungs:
“HOW DARE YOU!!!”
They were up.
They were up early.
It wasn’t even a school day and the battle between two little humans had begun.
The only thing I could think of as I opened my eyes was, “oh sh*t, here we go again.”
Siblings fighting is a classic hallmark of any family dynamic with multiple kids. And when they are all close in age, the fighting and arguing is even more intense.
While sibling fights are common, normal, and sometimes necessary, sometimes we just need some peace and quiet.
It is all about implementing different methods that will help our kids settle their differences.
Here are 9 Ways to stop Siblings from fighting:
- The “order in the court room” method (our own)
- Let them work it out.
- Establish rules for “routine” arguments.
- Teach them how to channel their frustration.
- Be an example on controlling emotions.
- Remind them of how important their sibling is.
- Separate them.
- Give them individual, one on one time.
- Praise the good.
The order in the court Room Method (our own)
This is a good one because it stops the arguing and adds some entertainment.
With young kids, it takes their attention from arguing with their siblings and more on finding a solution. Fair warning though, if it’s an intense argument with tears and anger, it might not work.
Try this one with more subtle arguments at home (i.e. over a toy).
When you hear the arguing simply grab a make shift gavel (remote control) and bang it on a surface proclaiming
“ORDER IN THE COURT ROOM!!”
The intriguing aspect of you acting like a judge, banging a pretend gavel and probably saying something loudly they’ve never heard before should get their attention.
Continue with the skit and ask them to take seats on either side from one another.
The key here is to act like a judge.
Now let each child have his turn to say what was bothering them about their sibling. If they try to interrupt each other bang the gavel and tell them you will hold them in contempt for interrupting!
It might sound silly, but it works!
When each child has had their say, make your verdict and explain the reason.
Let them work it out
We know, it sounds easier said than done!
But there is a method to this madness.
Kids need to learn to resolve conflict on their own with little direction. While there are times you have to and should step in, there are also times to guide them to resolve it on their own.
Simply intervene and calmly explain that they will have to talk to each other and find a solution or whatever activity is causing the argument will be taken away.
When I tell my kids this, it resolves the conflict a fair amount of times. They rather come to a solution than make what they are fighting over dissapear.
Establish rules for “routine” arguments.
- Who brushes their teeth first?
- Who get’s to sit at which chair in a restaurant?
- Who get’s to pick the tv show?
- Who picks the book at bed time?
There are arguments your kids will probably have daily. Pick up on which ones are constant and set routines for them.
For example, for whatever reason, our kids like to brush their teeth before the other one does.
So we made a rule:
- one night the older one goes first, the next night the youngest goes and they keep taking turns.
Same for bath time.
One evening one gets to sit in front of the bath, the next the other one gets to sit in front.
Same for the t.v. etc.
This let’s them know, “hey kid, take it easy. You will have your turn too and you know when it’s coming.”
Teach them how to channel their frustration
As parents, it is our job to teach our children to manage their emotions and channel their frustration.
Kids at at young ages are trying to figure out their own emotions, and they need guidance. They need guidance by watching how we handle our own emotions and by being given outlets to express those emotions.
If your kid seems to get angry and take it out on their sibling by pushing or screaming at them give them alternatives.
Always tell them they aren’t wrong for feeling the emotion, but that they have to release it in a different way.
I will tell my son and daughter that when they feel angry they have options that don’t involve hitting or screaming.
These options that you can use are
- Giving them the option to go outside, run and throw a few rocks in an open space like a backyard.
- Tell them they can talk to you and tell you what they feel and need.
- Telling them that if they simply want some time alone, that is ok too.
When you tell kids that it’s OK and validate their feelings, it makes them feel like you are connecting to them and listening to them and many times that is where their frustration comes from: the belief that they are not being heard.
Be an example.
Kids model their parents behavior.
You cannot expect children to be calm and be able to resolve conflict if they see their parents not being able to control their own emotions.
An experiment called the Bobo Doll Experiment illustrated this showing that kids were more aggressive towards a doll when they saw an adult being aggressive with it.
Kids also react to your own reactions. If they are fighting, or upset, and you respond by screaming, their frustration just increases.
Listen, sometimes we are going to yell…don’t feel bad, it is what it is!! Your not going to ruin your kids because you sometimes slip and yell at them regardless of what the internet says. Are you ruined because your parents yelled at you?
They will be ok!
The key is to make it a point to try and keep the yelling to a minimum, and realize that when we are calm they feed off of that and many times begin calming down themselves.
Remind them of the importance of their sibling.
While there are instances when a sibling might actually dislike their sibling or feel truly frustrated and angry with them as a person, most sibling disputes are in the moment and fleeting, and this is how we want it to be.
We don’t want deep resentment between siblings.
Instill in each sibling:
- The importance of their brother or sister.
- That they are best friends and they will always be there for each other.
- Lay the groundwork that your family is their foundation, their anchor and their sibling is included in that.
As much as siblings fight, they also have good moments together.
Instilling these points in them will (hopefully) lessen the quarrels and increase peace between them.
Seperate them.
When the fighting and arguing gets too loud and too much, separate them.
Kids need to learn to work things out, but sometimes we do have to step in before we lose our minds or they kill each other.
Separate them by letting them cool off on their own in a different room of your home.
Tell them that they cannot come back and play together until they feel calm and can talk to their brother or sister without throwing them out the window.
Explain to them that you are not upset, but that you simply want them to be calm and happy and right now being with their sibling is making them upset.
Give them individual, one on one time.
Sometimes kids may feel like they are not getting enough attention.
This was evident with my son and daughter.
I would be doing an activity with one of them, while the other was trying to get my attention.
I would go back and forth between both of them trying to give them both attention but:
- THEY NEED INDIVIDUAL, ONE ON ONE ATTENTION.
Spending quality time with our kids is a hallmark of good parenting.
I make it a point to have dad-son dates dad-daughter dates to just focus solely on them as a person, with no interruption.
This helps build a deeper bond with the parent and the child so that “not getting enough attention” becomes low on the list for the reason siblings start fighting.
A child who feels they are getting attention from their parents, won’t feel dismissed and jealous their sibling is getting attention and won’t express it in sibling rivalry.
Praise the good
Kids love to be told what they did right.
Everytime you see your child doing something nice for their siblings, tell them.
Tell them how much you appreciate them looking out for their siblings and being a good brother or sister.
We have found praising positive behavior towards each other promotes future positive behavior.
Ok ok ok, it promotes it to CERTAIN EXTENT.
The battles will still be there, but the whole point is not EXTINGUISHING sibling fighting…it’s about watering it down.
The fighting is sometimes healthy for building their abilities to resolve conflict.
Tips we don’t agree with:
1. “Don’t give the older one responsibility for the younger one”
Listen, we aren’t saying there is no merit here.
A child shouldn’t be responsible for another child, and they shouldn’t be in charge, afterall we are the parents.
However, we should encourage the older siblings to look out after the younger one.
It gives them a sense and pride that they have something powerful they are capable of: looking out for someone else.
It teaches them care and empathy and reinforces step #6 above of reminding them the importance of their sibling which helps lessen the fighting with each other over the long run.
Really, the responsibility to look out for one another should be instilled in both siblings.
We are responsible for the important people in our lives to a certain extent.
We are responsible for caring for them, helping them, guiding them and being there for them.
While a young child isn’t able to do this fully, it is our jog to guide them and instill that trait in them.
2. Don’t let them share a room, they need their own space.”
We get it.
When kids get into their tween/teen years you can find reasons this makes sense, but for young kids under 8 why is this necessary?
Why does a 5 year old need a room all to themselves?
We have had our kids in the same room for close to 5 years since my daughter was born and it wasn’t for lack of space. It’s important.
It’s important for them building a strong connection, bond and memories.
And at the young ages of 2-6, they have more than enough room!
As much as they will get up and fight, they have MORE moments of laying in bed talking to each other about random subjects, plotting plots against us on how to get cookies, talking about their school days, setting up forts together and just living and existing together.
We have half heartedly offered them their own rooms and they refuse, they tell us they want to be together and that :
Simply makes us proud!
Proud that they have such a strong bond that they aren’t worried about having a whole room to themselves at 5 or 6 years old, that they want to share, live, and experience with their brother and sister.
In conclusion, the goal isn’t to end sibling fighting. It will never happen. It is to guide our kids to find ways to problem solve and express their emotions in a more productive way. In doing so, we can hope to see less fighting and more peace between our little ones.
Tell us! Did you find any of these methods helpful to ease the sibling battles?
What are some of your favorite methods to end sibling rivalry?