PARENTAL BURNOUT (Causes, Symptoms and 5 Real Ways to Manage it)

Disclaimer:  This is for informational purposes only. It is not to be taken as professional advice. If you are feeling mentally or physically overwhelmed and it is interfering with your daily life, you should seek professional guidance immediately. 

“Parental burnout”. 

We are here to tell you, it is ok. 

Are you an exhausted parent? Maybe, sometimes, you even feel tired of parenting. 

All parents have been there, and if you are a good parent, it’s hard to see how you haven’t been there. After all, it is PARENTING itself that gets us to the point of “parental burnout.” 

What is parental burnout?

Here we will discuss:

• What parental burnout is. 
• What causes it. 
• Parental burnout symptoms
• Why it is normal and ok
• 5 REAL ways to manage it 

What is parental burnout? 

Parental burnout was identified in the 1980s by psychology researchers Isabelle Roskam and Moïra Mikolajczak.

It is defined as being exhausted, mentally and physically, by the duties and responsibilities that come with parenting. 

Now, many scholarly articles and writers online will go into deep detail on just how dark “parental burnout” can become.

They touch on depression, suicidal tendencies, growing distant and sometimes violent towards your own children as noted in psychology researcher Moïra Mikolajczak’s studies.  (Society of Clinical Psychology)

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is best to get professional help. 

Here, we touch on the more common and more manageable types of parental burnouts. 

This doesn’t necessarily make them “less serious” but it allows us to work on it at a personal level with our own families. 

It’s the type of parental burnout where you feel mentally, emotionally or physically exhausted for a prolonged period of time due to parenting. The type where you are trying to do it all and everyday seems like groundhog day with no time for you to just THINK. 

Taking care of your home, their school work, their activities, their meals, their needs, their wants etc, all while putting yourself on the backburner will certainly drive us all a little mad. 

You aren’t crazy for feeling burntout, you are just overworked! 

Yes, this can lead  us to being more distant with our kids.

It can lead us to being short tempered with them, and start living by just going through the motions. 

Parenting is extremely difficult. It is harder than it was decades ago. So many proliferations such as an increased concern about safety in schools, more households where both parents are working, social media, an overload of extracurricular activities, contradicting and varied advice on health, etc have proven to be obstacles in our parenting journey as noted in a BPI Network Survey of over 2,000 parents. 

Parental Burnout is OK, it is NORMAL. We just have to learn to manage it. 

What causes it?

Many studies touch on the causes of parental burnout. The factors contributing to it have been found to vary greatly from country to country and culture to culture. Psychology researcher Isabelle Roskam, however, narrowed down one key element that is fundamental to parental burnout. That is:

“Burnout is the result of too much stress and the absence of resources to cope with it,”  (American Psychological Association) 

Simply put, it is the notion of DOING IT ALL. Doing it all day in and day out, with no break and very little help. 

During the height of the Coronavirus pandemic, the concept of parental burnout became ever more prominent. Parents and kids were stuck at home, for months on end, with no socialization, compounded by financial problems and everyday stressors. (APA). 

But parental burnout has been happening way before the pandemic, and will continue long after. 

What are the symptoms? 

Symptoms of parental burnout can include:

• Mental, physical and emotional exhaustion 
• Distancing yourself emotionally from your kids
• Being short tempered with your kids more than usual
• Resentment
• Loss of productivity 
• Irritability 
• Frustration 
• Constant fatigue 
• Lack of self care 
• Feeling ashamed or guilty 
• Feelings of being an inadequate parent 

Why it is ok, and you will be ok

A 42 Country Study  by Isabelle Roskam and her colleagues found that Western parents tended to have higher rates of parental burnout. 

This was attributed to the fact that parental “standards” have increased dramatically within the past 50 years. 

It is not an excuse, it is not a myth, parenting in this day in age is harder than it was in previous generations. You are not alone in feeling this way. 

 The pressure and critiques of different parenting styles, the overreaching demand of constant parental involvement compounded by the pressure on parents to be near perfect for their kids, are leading contributing factors. 

But is this bad?

Is it bad that we constantly strive to do the best for our kid’s emotional, mental and physical health better than our predecessors did 50 years ago?

No.

It is what we should do, and it is ok you want the best for your child. 

But this persistent “wanting the best for my child” attitude  leads to that “burnt out”  feeling. 

There has to be a balance. 

So understand that all parents get burnt out if they want to be great parents, it is ok, it is about learning how to manage and let things go. 

We have learned how to be better involved parents than our past generations, but we can still learn from their carefree parenting style. 

And this leads us to how to manage parental burnout. 

 5 Real Ways to Manage Parental Burnout 

1.Stop trying to be their entertainment system 

We’ll be honest. This was our problem. 

Constantly seeking activities for the kids so they would be “stimulated”. Constantly worrying about what they are eating, how much tv they are watching, how much outside time they are getting. How much “cultural” experience they’re getting. 

These things are important. 

But they aren’t ALWAYS important. 

We are trying to do it all as parents. The truth is, kids need to be bored. They need to use their imaginations. If you have tasks to take care of at home, then take care of it and leave them to their imaginations. 

 Let your kids run around, let them sit in front of the tv the whole day, let them “figure  out” their entertainment for the day, let them eat a little junk food..THEY WILL BE OK. 

Once in a while…just let go! Relax! Let it go!

We are not saying this should be your kid’s life everyday. We are saying, it is ok if it encompasses some of their weekends at home. They don’t always need a new, creative and stimulating craft. 

Boredom has been shown to increase creativity in kids. It helps them establish a sense of self identity. Some studies even cite boredom helping academic performance. This study analyzed how boredom leading to self reflection helped improve a child’s academic performance. 

2. Seek outside help with the kids and home

Now this is easier said than done, and we understand not everyone has means to get “help” with the kids, or with the home. However, seek every avenue. 

The core element of parental burnout is a lack of resources or “help” as noted in this 2019 study on parental burnout. 

Search all your possibilities to get extra hands or resources: 

• Can any of the grandparents from either side come once a week and watch the kids while you get errands or personal things done? Maybe they can’t once a week…what about once every two weeks? 

• Can you afford a reliable and vetted babysitter 1 or 2x a week if not less? 

• If you have pre-school aged kids at home, can you afford a daycare full or part time?

• If you don’t have any grandparents to help, do you have any aunts, uncles, or any trusted family members that can help you even once a month?

• If you have a spouse, can you plan days when you go off and enjoy a day to yourself while your spouse stays with the kids and vice versa?

• Are your kids taking naps?

Parents completely forget the benefits naps have in pre-school aged kids. It is not just about benefits for them, but for the parents too. They give you TIME during the day. Your kids don’t want to take naps?

Read why they do, they can, and they will in our Kids Need Naps article. 

3. Take care of your physical and mental self 

If you exercise and are depressed, anxious and feeling parental burnout, believe us when we say you would feel 100x worse if you were not exercising. 

You have to take care of yourself. This includes being conscious of the foods you eat as they negatively or positively help us mentally. 

Fitting in some form of exercise in your parenting journey is crucial. 

Working out reduces stress and anxiety. It releases endorphins that make you feel good. It helps with depression. It is an underused natural source of medication that can help you with the burnouts of parenting by improving your mental health. This is studied and proven.  

And you do have the time as parents to workout, no matter how busy you are there is always time.

Check out our 6 ways to stay fit as a parent for how to fit fitness into your parenthood journey.  

4. Make sure to get a good amount of sleep! 

Yes…we know, who sleeps with young kids right?

But the fact is kids are sleeping for a good amount of time everyday, and when they are down for the night you should be following soon after. 

We know how cranky we can get with no sleep. With all the stressors you have with work, your home and kids, try and make sure to get as much sleep as you can. It’s tempting to stay up once the kids go down, but don’t let it be for hours on end. Aim to get 6-8 solid hours of sleep a night.

5. Seek professional help 

Most types of parental burnouts can be managed by the ways described above, but if you are in a really bad place, please get professional help. If you can’t do it, have your spouse or family member call and make a consultation/appointment for you.

Do this for yourself. 

Do this for your children. 

We have all been there, parenting is extremely difficult and you can get through it. 

In conclusion, please take 4 things away from this: 

1. Parental burnout is real. You are not alone. 
2. Parental burnout boils down to a lack of help/resources to help with parenting
3. One of the key solutions is to LET GO. Don’t chase being a perfect parent. 
4. Try to get outside help and make sure you take care of yourself mentally and physically. 

Thanks for reading, if this helped you in anyway, please share!